Things have been a lot better. His whole attitude has changed. He is pleasant, considerate, kind, and has been communicating far more. I am pleasantly surprised! He’s even been visiting more, calling more, and over all making more effort! Still with her, yes. But boy has he changed! Our friendship/relationship is lovely. Still a work in progress!

No complaints from this girl 😉

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It is working. I put my foot down, and it has actually started working! This man has grown petty, extremely jealous, he has swallowed his pride, and he is making efforts.

Also, I met the woman who we were supposed to have a three some with. Twice. I had mentioned that both her and her man made passes at me, and he became highly irritated. He shut the entire thing down. He no longer wants a three some, as he has discovered that he is far too possessive of me.

I believe this has sparked a change in him, perhaps made him see what he really has, and what he really wants. He has been more kind, far more attentive, it’s wonderful. 🙂

For years, even back when we were dating, this man has always had all of the power, because he was the one who cared less. Sounds funny, doesn’t it? I have discovered over the years, with dating him, with dating other people, that the person who cares less about the other person and less about the relationship holds all of the power, makes all of the rules, calls all of the shots… and by nature, the other person follows without question or hesitation.

I never knew this.

I discovered this a little while ago doing some research online, reading blogs, and reading books that I had ordered. Several times I had read the line, “whoever cares less, dominates.” And I reminisced over all of my relationships, and I hate to admit it, but it is true. All of the men I had dated, that I cared for and adored, I clung to them, smothered them with affection, and they always seemed to become distant….which in turn made me try harder for them ( they had the power ). And some men that I dated, that I wasn’t too fond of, clung to me and smothered me with affection, and I became distant, which in turn made them try harder for me ( I had the power ).

This made me look long and hard at me and my guys situation. He has always had the power because he has always cared less. And I have always kissed his ass, did whatever he’s told me to do, pined away for him, put up with his crap, and apologized for things that weren’t necessarily my fault…just to keep him with me…because he cared less. I have been afraid to use this “power shift” that I’m now aware of. I’ve feared that if I try this method, and it backfires and fails, that he would leave…be gone forever.

I tried it recently.

And let me tell you, it is very real.

When we fought, I had always been a coward and begged him to stay. I stopped that. And our last few fights, if he said “I’m done, I can’t handle this anymore”, I would reply “okay then”, instead of fighting tooth and nail with him.  He would be silent for a day or so, and then change his tune completely when he seen that I wasn’t crawling after him. I started to feel the power shifting in my direction. I have cancelled our last two dates (I’ve never missed a chance to see him, ever). I have been slow to reply to text messages. I have went on dates. I have become, “less available”. And the less that I care, the more messages I receive from him (at very odd hours, might I add), the more he bickers and natters, the more petty he becomes. And when we fight, I do not put forth effort, I don’t engage, I don’t “care”. When he announces that he is done, I don’t beg, I don’t pout, I don’t “care”. In fact, I kindly tell him that he is right, that we should end our affair, and that he will find someone better for him. I was panicking inside, wondering if he might actually be done. But just like clockwork, he recanted his statements. And along came the flood of texts, “I didn’t really mean this, I didn’t really mean that..” all coming from a man who’d typically ignore me after a fight until “I” caved in and begged for mercy.

And now we are at a stand still. No longer text-waring. No longer fighting. We are silent. The after fight–we’re not fighting–but we haven’t made up–we haven’t broken up–what are we doing–what the hell are we stage. We are at the “who caves in a texts who first”. The “who will cave in and ask when are we going to be together” stage. Because neither one of us want to be the “weak” or “submissive” one. The stand off.

I hate games. I hate having them played on me, and I hate having to play them…. but this is working. I would just like to have a normal relationship, and have him be a normal man who loves me endlessly, but he isn’t normal, and this situation is complex. So, desperate times call for desperate measures. I am slowly but surely gaining some ground and getting some power. I am pulling back, and he is pulling forward.

He is so used to me clinging to him, showering him with love, flattery, and affection, he is so used to me anticipating his visits, and so used to me begging for him, and his pride and ego is so extremely large….. that this must be outrageous to him. The rejection must kill him, because he’s so used to being a God in my world…going from my everything, to nothing, and quickly. What an ego blow this must be to a narcissist.

However, he is not your typical man. He is brilliant. And he is the Alpha and Omega of mind games, and women. We have played mental chess for years. His counter attacks are devastating. So, I know he is feeling the power shift, and I know that he will plan to shift it back in his direction, with one of his manipulation strategies or jealousy tactics. Because he won’t submit to this, not for long.

Sad, isn’t it? The games we choose to play because our pride has overridden our emotions. To submit to love equates to “losing”. Our lovers are our opponents. What a tragedy.

We have been fighting so much lately, it’s unreal. And might I add, it’s never over something that I am saying or doing. It’s always something that he is saying, doing, or “not” doing…and me reacting. Now, don’t get me wrong, being in this position is stressful; loving someone who is emotionally unavailable. So I am uptight all of the time because of this, which doesn’t make my reactions any better.

When we first started arguing a long time ago, I would flip out over something he said or did, I would yell “I’m done! It’s over!” And he would then ignore me for days/weeks, which would make me want him to come back. Then he would come back, after I had time to calm down and miss him enough to want him back after his “fuck up”. (I don’t know which was worse; him manipulating me into missing him/wanting him back and using this strategy to accomplish that OR me actually taking him back?) Then after a while, our arguments would end by him ignoring me for a little while, but not making me ask for him to comeback…. he would just come back/talk/text like we never argued at all. But now… now this argument we had was very different.

We have been arguing lately about his life choices, drama at his household, his attitude, his harsh words, his … distance. And arguing about this idea of a three some. Last night, we got into it so badly, that I cursed, called him out of his name, and told him that I was done for good. Naturally, he agreed that this was done. He blocked all apps that we text on, blocked my number… I thought it was really over this time. But today, he emailed me (then why block my number and our texting apps if you’re still going to communicate with me???) a message. It was a picture of us being intimate, and he wrote that I will never find a lover as good as he is, and that he has women lined up around the block who want him, and that he is done for good and he is never coming back. And then he continued on sending more messages about how he was going to come see me today, and that he was going to do this and going to do that (all past tense) etc. We got firing back and forth, and it was pretty bad.

I stopped and told him that I wasn’t going to allow either of us to speak to one another like that any longer, that we were both better than that. And he stopped. Then he started to send me texts (he unblocked my number and the apps). So now, it’s not me asking for him to come back… it’s him not letting me go. I asked him why he would see other women, and he said that he was just saying that to be an asshole. So, now he is trying to make me jealous…..because he’s angry…… because I tried to leave him again. And “hurt people”, hurt people. So he must have some feelings for me if he is showing that he is hurting.

A FEW DAYS PASS BY.

After that argument, he has been texting me more, and texting at very odd hours. He is typically in bed around 10pm, as he has to be up around 5am. And he has been texting me at 1am (asked if I was drinking, asked if I was awake), at 3am another evening (woke me up to argue about a picture quote I posted and to tell me that he had insomnia). And another morning, he FaceTimed me at 8am, then claimed it was accidental. Ya right…

And today, we argued yet again. He asked how my day was, I asked how work was for him. We chatted, laughed per usual. He had mentioned he was out to dinner with “her”……. I became angry. I told him I would speak to him later…. but he kept texting me. Kept trying to keep the conversation going. So, I decided to be petty and childish, and I had said that I was getting ready to go out on a date too! At first, he was aloof like self, said “cool. Have fun.” And then about half an hour later, he let me have it! He blew my phone up with text messages of jealousy. Stating that this was the reason why he doesn’t take me seriously, that I am trying to make him jealous and I am being childish, and this is why he keeps me at a distance..

I admit, it was childish of me. However, he shouldn’t be angered if I am dating. He is with someone else, I should be able to be as well. So, I cancelled our date together this week (3rd week we have not seen one another….and usually I would be begging to see him by now, and I am not), and told him not to communicate with me until he can respect me and make up his mind. I told him that if he is having a difficult time dealing with his emotions, that perhaps he should tell me how he really feels about me instead of trying to act like a tough guy….. because all of the arguments and snide remarks is starting to tell on him…because where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

I think I am just as confused as he is…

He’s battling something, I just don’t quite know what…

“I have found the paradox , that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love” –Mother Teresa

Out of all the women in his life, I truly believe that I have always held a special spot in his life and in his heart. Because aside from our intimacy, we have a friendship. He cares about my health, my happiness… I mean, it’s not as much as I’d like, but he is compassionate. Years ago when I used to date him, up until today, even in “this situation”, I have never asked him for money, ever, or for any help whatsoever… but he comes through for me every time that I need him. If I am frustrated with life, with problems that come my way, if they happen to be things that I can’t financially manage at that time… he will offer and take care of it for me. This man does have a soft spot for me, I just wouldn’t necessarily call it “in love”.

As a matter of fact, he calls it “fond”. I asked him before if he loved me, and he replied, “I’m fond of you”…. Oh. I never knew that a man who was fond of me would become upset that another man took me to a movie, or became upset at the mere thought of another man looking at me or fantasizing about me, or would leave work and miss out on thousands of dollars (he is a professional man) to drive 30 minutes and cross a bridge to see me. And most importantly, him struggling with the idea of allowing me to be in this situation… because half of the time he says that I deserve better and that I should go get better, and the other half of the time (when I do try to leave him) he is asking me to stay. I never knew being “fond” of someone came with such passion, and with such a struggle of emotions?

And I know you’re probably thinking, “what’s the big deal, men act like this all of the time”… Well, not this man! This man is the most stubborn mule I have ever met in my life. There’s a better chance of shitting glitter, than him ever willingly apologizing or admitting if he is wrong. This man always used to say, “bitches love me” and “I’ll never love a bitch”. This is the man I am talking about, as he is not your typical man. He’s an Adonis, an Alpha, with an insatiable desire for women, and sex. Somewhat ruthless, careless, and cold. Stoic…. Yet the mere thought of little ol’ me even being looked at, drives him up the wall and back again.

I’m not sure how he truly feels about me, and of course he will never admit it to me. Men are “tough guys”, and they never want to show just how soft-in-the-middle they really are. But I am starting to think that he is struggling with his emotions for me…. and his emotions for “her”.  He is always telling me that I don’t belong in this, and that I deserve better… yet when I try to leave him… he’s always finding subtle ways to pull me back to him. Subtle enough that they don’t seem desperate, and elaborate enough that I know that he cares. What he says and what he shows are very different things.

And when things start to become a little too emotional, when I become sad and upset, or even angry… he will distance himself and become less available. I know this trick. This is him “shifting power” from me back to him. I gain power when I become angry or sad enough to want to leave, and he takes the power back when he withdraws and distances himself so that I will miss him and run after him. Smooth, huh?

I love him deeply. And it hurts me to see him stay in a situation that he truly isn’t happy in. He’s told me himself that his sex life is boring, and I don’t know “her” personally, but things must not be too great at their house. She hides his things (he’s told me), they argue. and she dictates his life… and it’s changing him, and not for the better. It hurts me to see such a strong man be walked on like a doormat, and he doesn’t even see it. I see how it’s effecting him, how it stresses him. And I can’t do anything to help him, except sit on the side lines and hope that he sees that he could be a lot happier with me. But realistically, I know that it may not work out that way.

And that’s why it’s hurting me to stay in this. I love him, so I want to stay, however I know that this very well could be a waste of one of life’s most precious assets… “time.” Years and years of my prime, of my one and only life, down the drain for someone who is “fond” of me…

Lord Jesus.

Today is a bad day.

“Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.”– William Blake

Recently, I have considered making his life long fantasy come true. I want to be the one who does it, the one who made it happen for him. He has always mentioned the idea of a three some, and I have always turned my nose up at it and. So, I made a profile online, on a well known dating site, and found a woman. She too, has a man, and he allows her to see other women. As her and I talked, I learned of their relationship with one another. they’re an open couple.

I’ve gone over this in my head several times, imagined how it would be, if it’s something that I could handle. I really don’t want to do it, but I am willing to do anything for him. The mere thought of seeing him being pleased/pleasing another woman makes my skin crawl, but I mentioned this to him anyways. He was excited. But I explained how I felt about it, and I came up with an equally freaky idea which is less painful for me. My idea is the 4 of us getting together (Him and I, her and her man), but no swapping. She stays with her man, and I stay with mine. BUT… we will be in the same room, watching one another, touching one another, but no sex with the other partner. At first, he was all for this idea, until he started picking it to pieces. He said that he didn’t want another man even looking at me or fantasizing about me, that he is too jealous and selfish for that. And then he said he would be more comfortable with just her and I, until he picked that apart, too. He said that if her man knew that it was just the 3 of us, that he would probably feel like he should be able to be with me too, and my guy was not having that idea at all, whatsoever.

He even went as far as being so paranoid about it, that he worries that if I invite her over to spend time with her, that her boyfriend might want to come along with her. And he wasn’t having that either.

Lol.

I don’t know what to do here. I want to give him his fantasy, but I don’t want him pleasing another woman, and he doesn’t want another man looking at me.

And this is another thing that I am trying to understand… if this man doesn’t love me, then why would this hurt him and bother him so much? Especially when he has the opportunity to be with two women at once? He wants me all to himself, and is turning another woman down to keep it that way. Hmm. Is someones true feelings rearing their head?

“I have been up against tough competition all my life. I wouldn’t know how to get along without it” –Walt Disney

There’s so much argument over this. I’m even guilty of it. Main chicks on blogs screaming about how they’re better, other side chicks on blogs screaming that they are better. Let’s keep it real here. Main chicks aren’t better than sides, and sides always aren’t better than the mains. It’s an individual thing; as to who is actually better for the man… and that has nothing to do with a “title”, it has everything to do with the “person”. The titles are only words. “Main” doesn’t mean that he loves you. There is no such thing as a main chick when a man is cheating. If there’s more than one involved, then everybody’s a side; one piece is just bigger than the other, if you really think about it. The only time “main” means anything, is if she is the only one. And even if we delve deeper into it, and get technical with this, all “main” means is “the MAIN one who he cheats on”. Technically, the side chick is usually the woman that he wants but could never have due to his own insecurities. She is far too powerful for him to have full time. Side chicks have the upper hand in all of this; they make the rules, not the man…. the men follow the rules. The side chick has power over whether or not anything happens, power over demands, and power enough to bring his entire world crashing down. And the side chick knows everything that the main does not. The side is who he tells the raw truth to. Two pieces of the same pie, it’s just one piece is more knowledgeable than the other, and one piece is a little larger than the other. But don’t let that fool you, powerful things come in small sizes…

Another misconception is that people often think that men seldom love their side chicks/lovers. Which is true sometimes. But a lot of men admit that they actually do love them, care for them, get jealous over them, miss them, long for them, and become devastated if/when the side chick gets fed up and leaves. And this isn’t the man telling the side chick this (to make her believe that he has feelings for her) no. They won’t do that. They want the side chick to think that he has no feelings for her at all, so that he doesn’t appear weak, because to her– he feels powerful, because he doesn’t want her to know just how much power she really has. These men are telling their friends this, and other men this. And do you want to know why they are so attached? It’s not only because of the phenomenal sex, it’s because he is his true self with her.

Main chicks and bitter scorned women are always going on and on about how side chicks make men leave home…. listen…. no one can make a man leave home. If he strays or leaves, the chances are that the “happy home” already had cracks in the walls, a leaky roof, and a weak foundation to begin with. No man is going to stray or leave if “said home” was as happy as everyone swears it is. Side chicks aren’t thieves, no one can steal what was willing to walk away. What stands strong cannot be moved, so if it was moved, it isn’t as strong as you thought it was.

And to be fair, not all men cheat because there is something wrong with their spouse, or their relationship. Some men cheat because of their own shit. They could be in love with two women and can’t control it. They could cheat because they feel inferior (typically if the woman makes more money than he). They could cheat because they make far more money, which gives them a sense of entitlement, and they start cheating because “they can”, because you won’t leave even if you knew what he was doing. They could cheat because even though you’re a great person, they just don’t love you, or, they don’t love themselves…… It’s not always a problem in the home, it’s just that seems to be more common.

So I don’t understand what all of the fussing and fighting is for. Main chicks getting angry at side chicks when you SHOULD be getting angry at the man and yourself. Especially y(our) man, because his loyalty is supposedly with you, and he proved it to be otherwise . You are not in a relationship with the side chick, she doesn’t owe you loyalty, so your beef should never be with her. And when you act crazy and jump bat in the side chicks face, the only person that looks dumb is you, while y(our) man who caused all of the drama gets a front row seat to all of your glamorous insecurities—- Dear “main chick”, we’re both getting dick and lies, so while you’re over there thinking that you’re better than I am, yelling loud and talking crazy, you’re just showing me how much he actually needs my love and comfort. You’re showing me everything that I shouldn’t be. And keep telling me that he “loves you” because he sleeps next to you…. and I won’t tell you how much he loves me for risking everything he has to be with me…knowing that side chicks can bring his world tumbling down. Let’s not, and say we did! 😉