For years, even back when we were dating, this man has always had all of the power, because he was the one who cared less. Sounds funny, doesn’t it? I have discovered over the years, with dating him, with dating other people, that the person who cares less about the other person and less about the relationship holds all of the power, makes all of the rules, calls all of the shots… and by nature, the other person follows without question or hesitation.
I never knew this.
I discovered this a little while ago doing some research online, reading blogs, and reading books that I had ordered. Several times I had read the line, “whoever cares less, dominates.” And I reminisced over all of my relationships, and I hate to admit it, but it is true. All of the men I had dated, that I cared for and adored, I clung to them, smothered them with affection, and they always seemed to become distant….which in turn made me try harder for them ( they had the power ). And some men that I dated, that I wasn’t too fond of, clung to me and smothered me with affection, and I became distant, which in turn made them try harder for me ( I had the power ).
This made me look long and hard at me and my guys situation. He has always had the power because he has always cared less. And I have always kissed his ass, did whatever he’s told me to do, pined away for him, put up with his crap, and apologized for things that weren’t necessarily my fault…just to keep him with me…because he cared less. I have been afraid to use this “power shift” that I’m now aware of. I’ve feared that if I try this method, and it backfires and fails, that he would leave…be gone forever.
I tried it recently.
And let me tell you, it is very real.
When we fought, I had always been a coward and begged him to stay. I stopped that. And our last few fights, if he said “I’m done, I can’t handle this anymore”, I would reply “okay then”, instead of fighting tooth and nail with him. Â He would be silent for a day or so, and then change his tune completely when he seen that I wasn’t crawling after him. I started to feel the power shifting in my direction. I have cancelled our last two dates (I’ve never missed a chance to see him, ever). I have been slow to reply to text messages. I have went on dates. I have become, “less available”. And the less that I care, the more messages I receive from him (at very odd hours, might I add), the more he bickers and natters, the more petty he becomes. And when we fight, I do not put forth effort, I don’t engage, I don’t “care”. When he announces that he is done, I don’t beg, I don’t pout, I don’t “care”. In fact, I kindly tell him that he is right, that we should end our affair, and that he will find someone better for him. I was panicking inside, wondering if he might actually be done. But just like clockwork, he recanted his statements. And along came the flood of texts, “I didn’t really mean this, I didn’t really mean that..” all coming from a man who’d typically ignore me after a fight until “I” caved in and begged for mercy.
And now we are at a stand still. No longer text-waring. No longer fighting. We are silent. The after fight–we’re not fighting–but we haven’t made up–we haven’t broken up–what are we doing–what the hell are we stage. We are at the “who caves in a texts who first”. The “who will cave in and ask when are we going to be together” stage. Because neither one of us want to be the “weak” or “submissive” one. The stand off.
I hate games. I hate having them played on me, and I hate having to play them…. but this is working. I would just like to have a normal relationship, and have him be a normal man who loves me endlessly, but he isn’t normal, and this situation is complex. So, desperate times call for desperate measures. I am slowly but surely gaining some ground and getting some power. I am pulling back, and he is pulling forward.
He is so used to me clinging to him, showering him with love, flattery, and affection, he is so used to me anticipating his visits, and so used to me begging for him, and his pride and ego is so extremely large….. that this must be outrageous to him. The rejection must kill him, because he’s so used to being a God in my world…going from my everything, to nothing, and quickly. What an ego blow this must be to a narcissist.
However, he is not your typical man. He is brilliant. And he is the Alpha and Omega of mind games, and women. We have played mental chess for years. His counter attacks are devastating. So, I know he is feeling the power shift, and I know that he will plan to shift it back in his direction, with one of his manipulation strategies or jealousy tactics. Because he won’t submit to this, not for long.
Sad, isn’t it? The games we choose to play because our pride has overridden our emotions. To submit to love equates to “losing”. Our lovers are our opponents. What a tragedy.